Nathan Drake is Hairy (& Four Totally Plausible Reasons that Men are Hairless in Games)

Having received our copy of Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End a couple of days after its release, writing a review would be completely redundant by the time a decent amount of the game was played in order to critique the final oeuvre of the Nathan Drake saga. It’s not that we’re lazy over at Sass Effect, it’s just that just about anyone interested in Uncharted 4 would have already made up their minds two weeks ago as to whether or not to purchase it as they probably read something posted on some big gaming site that people actually care about (FWIW – it’s pretty great, though I don’t know if it’ll be good enough to be GoTY). Anyway, having just finished the game, marvelling at its stunning visual quality and thoroughly enjoying what seems like a tale as old as time of “searching for pirate treasure,” I found that there was one thing that surprised me in the most pleasant of ways.

Nathan Drake has chest hair.

And it’s pretty fucking hot.

No, it wasn’t the stunning graphics, spending too much time in Photo Mode attempting to capture the most artistic bit of scenery porn in the Madagascan hills, elaborate set pieces, or the gameplay that hasn’t really changed much from the other previous games (but this #fakegamergirl wouldn’t really know because she hasn’t actually got around to playing Uncharted 3 yet). It was the digitally-rendered hair on some digitally-rendered dude.  The only real disappointment is that Nathan Drake keeps his shirt on throughout the entire game.  C’mon, Naughty Dog, you could have at least thrown us a bone (zing).

I mean, LOOK at this. It's fucking GLORIOUS.
I mean, LOOK at this. It’s fucking GLORIOUS.  The future of games is here and it’s realistic AF body hair

It kind of got me thinking about how such a detail has often been overlooked(?) in games in general and how, over the years, we’ve been blessed by a bevy of handsome hairless wonders which is all well and good and I’m sure that back in the day it was probably super duper hard to render body hair that didn’t look super shit, but it’s 2016 – if stubble can be rendered, so can other hair and I’m sure I’m not the only person out there who doesn’t mind a bit of hair on their men (though I do draw the line at it getting to the point where you can’t tell if it’s body hair or a gorilla suit).  Perhaps I’ve just dated too many hairy dudes.

However, I don’t know squat about making games, so perhaps there are some totally logical reasons for our Triple-A men to be body-bald (looking at you in particular, Bioware). And people like dumb lists, right?

** Please note The following CONTAINS SPOILERS for Dragon Age and Fallout 4 **

1. Alistair (Dragon Age)

I'd like to imagine that the Orlesians have nicer budgie smugglers than their Fereldan counterparts.
I’d like to imagine that the Orlesians have nicer budgie smugglers than their Fereldan counterparts.

He’s cute, funny, sincere and there’s nothing more romantic than a love story that will ultimately end in tragedy. You’re going to town with all the flirty dialogue options (because let’s face it, the guy’s easy to charm) and then the super big important conversation (Yeah!) at camp happens and the lutes start playing and Fereledan Enya starts singing and, oh, god I’m covering my face with my hand because its suddenly got really awkward in here and those notes are still fluttering off that lute amidst the swelling string orchestra and I’d never thought I’d ever see a Ken doll partake in some rompy pompy ever again since the time I used to make all my Barbies have sex with each other as a kid.

Totally Plausible Reason for not having body hair: Completing the joining as a Grey Warden makes your hair fall out from the neck down.

2. Cullen (Dragon Age)

Goddammit, Inquisitor, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY.
Goddammit, Inquisitor, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY.

Ah, the long-suffering Cullen Rutherford. Being imprisoned in a magic bubble in the Circle Tower and having your Knight-Commander boss lady turn into a crazy hoo-hah has transformed you into our favourite emotionally-scarred and tortured Dragon Age male romance option. But hey, Bioware, what’s the deal, yo? You put all this work into having customisable facial hair and then you CBF putting in the same amount of effort into the rest of Cullen’s non-existent body hair as you did for his stubble (somehow I highly doubt that he would have the time for frequent full-body waxes in Skyhold’s spa between leading The Inquisition’s army and dealing with Lyrium withdrawal). Another Ken doll; Another boner killer. Sigh.

Totally Plausible Reason for not having body hair: Prolonged use of Lyrium makes your hair fall out from the neck down.

3. Paladin Danse (Fallout 4)

Paladin Pants.
Paladin Pants.

Spurned by the fact that Nick Valentine isn’t a romanceable option in Fallout 4, you’ve decided to fully commit to the Brotherhood of Steel because fuck The Commonwealth and everything in it. Besides, Danse isn’t like those other BoS meatheads – you guys understand each other. Then he wigs out and you find him in some random-ass bunker in nothing but his underwear and prominent facial fuzz, and whilst you gaze uncomfortably at his smooth milky white chest, you begin to wonder if you have interrupted him while he was in the middle of something.

Totally Plausible Reason for not having body hair: Those lazy Institute scientists have played too many Bioware RPGs and have assumed that no one will bat a ghoulish eyelid if their humanoid robots are hairless from the neck down.

4. Geralt of Rivia (The Witcher)

Am still yet to figure out if he bathed in a tub full of water or a tub full of baby oil.
Am still yet to figure out if he bathed in a tub full of water or a tub full of baby oil.

Goddamit, CD Projekt RED. You introduce FACIAL HAIR THAT GROWS OVER TIME and then have Geralt with not a single other hair on his goddamned body. I don’t even.

Totally Plausible Reason for not having body hair: Better to be bare than to have patchy chest fluff as a result of gnarly scar tissue/frequent consumption of Witcher decoctions makes your hair fall out from the neck down.

Peace out / Lee

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